Psychotherapy can change your life – but you may not want it to

Anyone who has been in psychotherapy proper will tell you that it can be hard work.

First, you find yourself telling a complete stranger about the most intimate parts of your life. Things you may never have said out loud because they were too painful to admit, even to yourself.

Then something unexpected happens. Many of the things you grew up believing about yourself begin to unravel. You realise that the messages you received were not necessarily true. In fact, many of us were taught some pretty harsh things: “You’re stupid.” “You’ll never amount to anything.” Or something subtler but equally damaging, like, “Your sister is the clever one.”

For most people, this comes as both a relief and a shock.

Feeling what was never felt

As therapy progresses, you are encouraged to experience feelings that were never fully acknowledged or expressed. Perhaps no one knew how to respond to them. Perhaps there simply wasn’t room for them.

Gradually, you begin to understand that much of what you carried throughout childhood had more to do with your parents’ limitations than with who you really are. That realisation can bring anger, sadness, disappointment, grief, or all of these at once.

It also means facing the painful truth that your childhood may not have been as happy or secure as you once believed. Suddenly, your anxiety, depression, relationship difficulties, or struggles at work begin to make more sense.

Then comes another difficult task: mourning not only what happened, but also what never happened. The love, protection, encouragement, or emotional attunement that you needed but did not receive cannot be recreated. Slowly, you begin to grieve those losses and make peace with them.

None of this is particularly comfortable. In fact, it can turn your world upside down. Which is probably not what you expected when you decided to go and talk to a therapist with a kind face and, hopefully, a soothing voice.

The surprising part

But then something else begins to happen. Because you are finally allowing yourself to feel sadness, anger and grief, you also become more able to experience relief, joy and contentment. Over time, you notice that you spend more of your life feeling alive than simply getting by.

You become more comfortable in your own skin. Relationships begin to feel easier. People often enjoy being around you because you are more genuine, more emotionally available, and more interesting. You feel more confident, make different choices, and perhaps even find work that fits you better.

Before long, something remarkable happens. The negative cycles that once dominated your life gradually give way to positive ones.

Choosing change

Of course, remaining stuck has its advantages too. If you stay sad or overwhelmed, people may feel sorry for you or try to rescue you. You don’t have to take difficult risks or confront uncomfortable truths. As the saying goes, it’s the devil you know.

Change asks more of us. It asks us to give up familiar ways of coping, even when they no longer serve us.

Psychotherapy has the potential to change your life. Whether you embrace that opportunity is, ultimately, up to you.

P.S. Every therapeutic journey is different. The process described here is just one example. Where therapy takes you depends on your history, your goals, and the unique relationship you build with your therapist.