Love and Anxiety

Love and anxiety are often thought of as opposites, but perhaps not in the way we usually imagine. We tend to think of love as a feeling and anxiety as a symptom. Yet what if anxiety fundamentally disrupts our capacity to love, connect, and empathise?

This question is explored in an interview between Dr Geoff Warburton and Dr Harville Hendrix, co-founder of Imago Relationship Therapy and author of Getting the Love You Want, published in The Psychotherapist.

Love begins with a sense of safety

When asked how he defines love, Hendrix offers a simple but profound response. Love is a sense of safety and connection that arises when we are not anxious.

When anxiety takes over, our attention turns inwards. We become preoccupied with managing discomfort, anticipating danger, or protecting ourselves. In these moments, genuine connection with another person becomes much more difficult.

According to Hendrix, our natural state is one of connection. As he puts it, “You are loving when you are not anxious. It’s your nature.”

The roots of anxiety

From an attachment perspective, anxiety often has its origins in our earliest relationships with caregivers. When those relationships are inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or frightening, we adapt in order to maintain connection and protect ourselves.

These adaptations may have been necessary in childhood, but they often continue into adult relationships. Old fears become activated in present-day interactions, leading us to react as though past experiences are happening all over again.

Many of the difficulties people experience in intimate relationships are not simply about the present moment. They are shaped by unresolved experiences from the past.

Why connection matters

Hendrix suggests that connection is not something we think about. It is something we experience.

We feel connected by being emotionally present with another person, without being overwhelmed by fear or anxiety. In this sense, connection is not an intellectual idea but a lived emotional experience.

Existential philosophy offers another perspective. Thinkers such as Martin Buber and Rollo May emphasised that our sense of self develops through relationship. While existential approaches often describe anxiety as rooted in our awareness of mortality and the uncertainty of existence, they also suggest that we come most fully into ourselves through authentic encounters with others.

Connection, therefore, is not simply comforting. It is central to our experience of being fully alive.

Anxiety and the loss of empathy

One of Hendrix’s most compelling ideas is that empathy is built into us but becomes inaccessible when anxiety dominates.

When we perceive threat, our nervous system shifts into survival mode. Rather than remaining curious about another person’s experience, we become focused on defending ourselves. Listening gives way to reacting. Understanding is replaced by self-protection.

This is particularly evident during conflict. Couples often find themselves arguing not because they lack love, but because anxiety has taken over the conversation.

The aim of many therapeutic dialogue techniques is therefore not simply to improve communication. It is to create enough emotional safety that both people can move out of reactivity and back into genuine connection.

Looking beneath anger

Towards the end of the interview, Warburton asks Hendrix about hate. His response is both challenging and hopeful.

Hendrix argues that hatred and aggression are often secondary expressions of anxiety. Rather than seeing anger as the core problem, he suggests we ask what fear lies beneath it.

As he explains, “If you help people explore their hatred, they become more hateful. You have to help them understand that they are just scared and then how they can regulate their fear. Then they become more connected and loving.”

This perspective does not excuse harmful behaviour or minimise personal responsibility. Instead, it invites us to recognise that beneath many defensive reactions lies a frightened human being attempting to protect themselves.

From fear to connection

Psychotherapy cannot eliminate anxiety altogether. Anxiety is part of being human. What therapy can do is help us understand where our anxiety comes from, how it shapes our relationships, and how we can respond to it differently.

As we become more aware of our fears, we become less governed by them. We are better able to remain emotionally present with ourselves and with others, even when relationships become difficult.

Perhaps love is not something we need to create as much as something we uncover. As our anxiety begins to soften, our natural capacity for empathy, connection, and compassion has room to emerge once again.