As a psychotherapist, I sometimes encounter individuals struggling with the unsettling emotion of envy. While we might visualise the ‘green-eyed monster’ and make light of it, it can sometimes grow into a significant problem.
The socio-economic context
Many of us face anxieties over whether what we have is enough. Today, even those who once felt financially secure are becoming more mindful of their spending, while those with more limited resources are stretched beyond their means, often to the point of poverty. Amidst this, we’re constantly bombarded with messages that we need more, the latest, and to seek some kind of perfection, especially from social media. This pursuit can leave us feeling dissatisfied, anxious, lacking, and often envious of others who seem to have what we desire.
The roots and impact of envy
At its worst, envy can manifest as anger, resentment, and hatred towards others. It projects our unmet needs onto those who seem to have everything. This can lead to feelings of injustice, unworthiness, and resentment, fuelling negative beliefs about ourselves. It can be particularly confusing and distressing if we feel envy towards those we love, admire and care for.
These feelings often correlate with our childhood experiences of having our needs met. Envy, in its most basic form, reflects the mother and baby dynamic. Melanie Klein, a prominent psychoanalyst, described infant envy as a painful and powerful emotion marked by fury and hatred, where the mother has what the baby wants (care and nourishment), but it is not always instantly available so feels withheld from the baby.
Envy in mythology
Even the Greek goddess Aphrodite was envious of Psyche, a mortal whose incredible beauty shook Aphrodite’s sense of self. In hatred, she sent her son Eros to kill Psyche, but he fell in love with her instead. Aphrodite’s envy fuelled continuing efforts to cause Psyche great suffering in order to restore her own status and sense of superiority.
Envy and jealousy
It’s important to distinguish between envy and jealousy. Envy usually involves two people, while jealousy involves three and often relates to a baby’s desire to be the favoured one in a family unit, sometimes wanting to come between two parents. While both can be destructive, jealousy can be more helpful as it relates to our need for relationships and self-connection. Aphrodite likely experienced jealousy and loss as well as envy when her son favoured Psyche over her.
Envy and narcissism
Those deeply wounded and lacking in their upbringing may develop a false persona, seeking status and power to feel valuable, which can be deemed narcissistic.
Encountering someone with higher status can disturb their sense of self, creating immense fear and anxiety. They may blame the other person for their misery, viewing them as something to be hated. We all carry narcissistic wounds from early life when care might have been lacking or delayed, even if it was usually satisfactory. When our sense of self is threatened, we become vulnerable to envy, and this can happen
to all of us.
Managing envy
Understanding and managing envy can help emotional wellbeing. Chronic envy feels unbearable, and those affected often go to great lengths to relieve the pain. Many people find relief in religion, spiritual beliefs or community to feel valuable and worthy. There are many ways to foster a secure sense of self, usually involving
building healthy relationships with others and the self.
In therapy, through exploring self-awareness, understanding emotions, and examining relationships, you can begin to ease overwhelming feelings of envy. Envy can sometimes be unconsciously projected onto the therapist, as well as others, creating complex dynamics. This not unusual and building an understanding of these projections can address underlying feelings of inadequacy and deprivation. Everyone has a unique experience of envy, and everyone will find their own way of understanding what it means to them.
Kirsty Toal is an experienced psychotherapist with a decade spent offering therapy, training and clinical supervision in a variety of settings. Kirsty offers short- and long-term psychodynamic and psychoanalytic psychotherapy to adults, in person in Lewes and online.
Further reading by Kirsty Toal –
