Having previously explored the compulsive use of pornography, I wanted to continue reflecting on what it’s like to work with clients who consider their use to be excessive.
Should I talk about my therapy?
A common question that arises is, ‘should I talk about my therapy’? Clients sometimes ask whether they should speak to their partners, family, or friends about what they’re sharing in therapy. This question usually surfaces early in the process, when a client starts to notice the difference between what’s explored in the session and their relational world outside.
This question doesn’t feel purely practical. It opens reflection on how we relate to ourselves, to others, and to the therapeutic process itself.
What brings you to therapy?
When a client begins to consider sharing aspects of their therapy outside the session, it’s often helpful to reflect on what brought them into therapy in the first place.
In the context of compulsive behaviours such as the use of pornography, it’s important to ask what role the behaviour plays in their personal relationships. Feelings of guilt, shame, or fear of being ‘found out’ are common. There’s often an awareness of the rupture this behaviour has caused in close relationships.
Therapy, in these moments, can initially feel punitive, as if one is attending only because they were ‘caught’. However, over time, therapy ideally becomes a space where change feels possible and the rupture in relationships feels repairable.
What should I say?
When someone enters therapy in response to their behaviour being discovered, there may be a sense that they ‘should’ disclose what goes on in the sessions. This urge can stem from guilt, from a desire to make amends, or from pressure, internal or external, to demonstrate accountability.
While this impulse is understandable, therapy is more than just an act of reparation. It should be seen as a place for reflection, not a reporting tool.
Therapy allows for sharing
Reflecting on and articulating one’s emotions can be difficult, especially when those emotions haven’t previously been explored. Therapy provides a space to begin this process in a contained, safe environment.
Over time, this reflective work often leads to deeper conversations outside of therapy. What was once unspeakable becomes more manageable. Therapy can act as a reference point, something that fosters further understanding and connection in one’s relationships.
Therapy as progress and change
At first, talking about therapy outside the session may feel like a burden or even a duty. But as therapy progresses, clients often begin to see their compulsive behaviour in a new light, as something that is now a choice.
Sharing from this perspective doesn’t come from guilt; it becomes an expression of change. It reflects not only personal growth, but a deeper capacity for intimacy and emotional connection.
There’s a sense of reward in this work, not just for the client, but for their relationships as well.
Therapy is private, not secretive
When thinking about what can or should be shared outside of sessions, it’s important to consider: do you want everything that is said in therapy to be shared?
Therapy is private, but that doesn’t mean it has to be secretive. Clients have the agency to decide what they want to share, and with whom. There is no obligation, but there is choice.
Coming into therapy can feel daunting, but it offers the potential for real, lasting change. In the context of compulsive behaviours, like pornography use, therapy helps make sense of what those behaviours may have represented. It offers time and space to reflect, without punishment or judgement.
Clients are not required to share everything outside of sessions. But over time, what they choose to share can become part of a changing relationship with their previous compulsive behaviour.
To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.
David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove.
Further reading by David Work –
Beyond the label: rethinking assessment and diagnosis in psychotherapy
Wearable tech: when is there too much data?
Trauma and the use of pornography
