What is narcissism?

Since the time of Sigmund Freud, clinical terms around psychology have made their way into everyday language. Narcissism is no exception to this and yet it stands in a category of its own for both how ubiquitous it has become in popular culture, alongside also being so misunderstood.

Frequently used as a term of insult or abuse to describe someone who displays little regard for others, narcissists are defined in society by their outward displays of behaviour. However, for a ‘condition’ that evokes so much of a backlash, collectively we seem to secretly admire the fantasy life we attribute to narcissists and envy the way they glide through life unaffected by the trials and tribulations of us mere mortals. Narcissism and narcissists are envied and denigrated in equal measure.

Alongside the ubiquity of the term, there is no shortage of material available to enable us to navigate a world filled with narcissistic others. From podcasts to YouTube seminars, TikTok videos to old fashioned books, narcissism is everywhere. Many titles suggest an extreme danger or risk of being near or around narcissists with titles such as ‘surviving narcissism’, ‘narcissism epidemic’ and ‘defeating narcissism’ being common. And yet most of these resources fundamentally fail to understand the essence of narcissism and what constitutes a so- called ‘narcissist’.

Indeed, it is interesting that of all the personality styles, such as depressive or obsessive-compulsive, it is this personality style that has become a label for the entire human being: rather than having a narcissistic personality, people are simply labelled as narcissists.

Popular culture
In recent years few clinical terms have been adopted and taken on a life of their own outside of the clinical context above and beyond narcissism.

When popular culture references narcissism or labels an individual as narcissistic, this is generally based on witnessed behaviour, rather than on any deeper understanding of what may have driven that particular behaviour. Popular culture is not wholly to blame for this as the field of mental health has for years been steadily shifting to diagnosing and labelling based predominantly on outward behaviour, rather than from an understanding of personality dynamics.

The problem is that the word that in a clinical context is used to describe traits or the style of a person’s whole personality, is being used as a description of behaviour – ‘he is behaving really narcissistically’ – which may or not have anything to do with the person’s personality; the behaviour tells us very little. In fact, I am not really sure what ‘behaving narcissistically’ even means!

It is not that there is no truth to the ‘watered-down’ formulation of narcissism in the mainstream, it is just that like so many other mental health terms, the nuance and balance has been lost, not least in the context of the ‘narcissists’ experience of being this way. Fundamentally, what’s lost is empathy.

Narcissism is not an illness, it is a personality style
I would suggest that the psychoanalytic field provides us with the most accurate understanding of narcissism and its impacts, as rather than focusing on external patterns of behaviour, psychoanalytic theory considers both the inner world of the patient – what it is like to be them – and their relational world – how do they relate to themselves and others. In other words, when clinicians talk about narcissism they are referring to a particular type of personality that has ‘narcissism’ as its dominant style.

What is a personality?
Personalities are something we all have and whilst we generally have a mix of styles, most of have a dominant one. So, when we consider somebody’s personality style, we are thinking about what trait is dominant and how rigid their personality is – this can be imagined as a scale from healthy functioning, through to personality disorder (and just to further muddy the waters, there is little agreement on at what point someone is personality disordered).

However, there is a further complication when considering narcissism: narcissism like all more dominant personality styles, one that has come about through relational injury during the first two years of development. It rarely appears in isolation to other personality styles and the other main personality styles frequently, if not always, show elements of narcissism in their foundations. It is therefore not always easy to spot.

What are the traits of a narcissistic personality style?
Most people who have a narcissistic personality present outwardly as grandiose, entitled, selfish and are constantly looking for external validation. However, what presents externally as grandiosity belies an internal world characterised by a deep sense of inadequacy and fear.

People with narcissistic personalities fear ‘being found out’ – they fear intimacy and vulnerability as they imagine everyone will see what they see: that they are unlovable.

There exists in the narcissist a constant drive to shore up their fragile self esteem through the external world – what they buy, who they are seen with, what they achieve. Whilst we all garner external validation to some extend in these ways, most of us have a solid enough sense of self to hold onto a real sense of self esteem that does not need scaffolding.

When it comes to relationships narcissistic people face an enormous dilemma as they desperately need others – to both tell them how wonderful they are, as well as to avoid their primal feelings of abandonment. However, they cannot relate in a two-person manner, meaning that whilst they need greatly, they love shallowly.

Narcissistic people protect themselves at all costs against ‘narcissistic injury’ which comes about when their feelings of shame are triggered. And feelings of shame arise when narcissistic people are challenged or called out – it is unbearable for them and they respond with shame which is transformed into rage. This holds the key to why narcissistic people cannot have real relationships: they cannot content with difference which is what we encounter when we are in a real relationship with another ordinary complex human being.

There is one other ‘type’ of narcissistic style which often gets missed in clinical diagnoses and that is the depressed, or collapsed, narcissist. On the face of it this person would seem to be the opposite of the grandiose narcissist and this is in fact correct! However, what looks to be collapsed, depressed and an outward expression of worthlessness, hides an inner world where this character feels utterly entitled to far more than they have and are. They are rageful that the world has treated them in this way and secretly feel entitled to specialness.

Final thoughts
Narcissim is a complex topic to grasp and even clinicians often struggle to fully make sense of whether someone if a narcissist or not.

One of the problems is that people with this structure tend not to present for psychotherapy and if they do it is never because they feel ‘narcissistic’. It is therefore not a condition that is in their awareness.

There are no dependable tests to check for narcissism and just because someone behaves in selfish or egocentric ways, it tells us nothing about their personality structure – after all, can’t we all be selfish at times?

Ultimately, a skilled clinician works out through the therapeutic relationship whether someone is narcissistic. It is a combination of understanding the clinical theory as well as relying on their felt experience. Being in relationship with a narcissistic personality does not feel like an ordinary relationship. They may greatly need you or ‘brush you aside’, or a combination of both but what they cannot do is relate in an equal two-person manner. Their vulnerability and humanness is hidden for fear of shame and abandonment – the narcissistic injury.

Mark Vahrmeyer, UKCP Registered, BHP Co-founder is an integrative psychotherapist with a wide range of clinical experience from both the public and private sectors. He currently sees both individuals and couples, primarily for ongoing psychotherapy.  Mark is available at the Lewes and Brighton & Hove Practices.

Further reading by Mark Vahrmeyer

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