More people now identify as being compulsive users of pornography that at any other time, due in large part to the ease of access to pornography through online platforms. Such a compulsive use, or ‘addiction’ as it is often termed can have a damaging impact on the individual and those around them. The negative effects on quality of life or general functioning can include guilt, shame, isolation, damaged relationships, reduced performance at work or school, potential job loss and financial expenses. Whilst this list is not exhaustive, it illustrates that like other ‘addictions’, the compulsion to use pornography can be a hugely challenging experience.
Is it all about sexual desire?
Compulsive use of pornography on first examination is easily viewed as an expression of excessive sexual desire. That’s like saying that an alcoholic likes to drink. Meeting the sexual desires of users only partially explains the pattern of behaviour. When it becomes clear that the user has little or no capacity to limit their use of pornography it points to this being more than just sexual desire. What can we consider might be the unconscious motivations behind such behaviour?
Unconscious motivation
The compulsion to use pornography might not have any one clear motivation. It can be claimed that any compulsive behaviour has its origins in a need to manage and regulate difficult emotions. Over time we learn that certain behaviour helps us to negotiate and manage these challenging feelings and through this process of adaptation we find the behaviour gratifying. Pornography is no different and this is where it moves from purely meeting sexual desire into something more rooted in emotional regulation.
The reliable relationship
The origins of the need to manage difficult emotions through compulsive behaviour are rooted in developmental experience. As stated above, the behaviour is the way in which one learns to manage emotions, but also to meet unmet needs. Use of pornography is more obviously a relational activity in that it is about the imagined connection with another individual or individuals. The sexual desires are met, and the need for intimacy with another, but in a way that does not illicit strong anxious responses. Pornography effectively becomes the relationship that feels safe and reliable. There is no emotional demand on the individual and they have a higher degree of control over the relationship.
Can we talk about pornography?
Compulsive users of pornography, like any compulsive behaviour, can find talking about their behaviour difficult. Pornography is no different and has the added challenge that its use can be highly stigmatised and not deemed acceptable. Finding a way to talk about it opens the possibility that the compulsion can be managed and can become a choice. A sensitive, non-judgemental therapist can help the compulsive user to move towards feeling that they have a choice over how and when they use pornography.
David Work is a BACP registered psychotherapist working with adults, offering long term individual psychotherapy. He works with individuals in Hove . To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with David , please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.
Further reading by David Work –
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