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December 9, 2024 by BHP Leave a Comment

Surviving family festivities: a psychoanalytic journey through the twelve days of Christmas

As the holiday season descends upon us like a glittering, tinsel-laden avalanche, many find themselves navigating the tricky or sometimes treacherous emotional landscape of family gatherings. Fear not, dear reader, for psychoanalytic psychotherapy could offer a guiding star, a beacon of hope to lead you through the holiday chaos to that peaceful Nativity scene, stable and all.

On the first day of Christmas: recognising your inner child

Imagine the family Christmas as a complex psychological drama where every interaction is laden with unconscious meaning. Your mother’s passive-aggressive comment about your table decorations, cooking, Christmas jumper choice – a manifestation of unresolved childhood dynamics? Your father’s awkward attempt at connection and endless ‘dad jokes’ – a deep-seated need for validation?

Psychoanalytic therapy teaches us to unwrap these emotional presents, glimpsing beyond the shiny exterior to try to read or understand the deeper psychological mechanisms at play. Each family member arrives with a lifetime of unprocessed experiences, creating a psychological minefield more intricate than the most complicated Christmas light display.

On the second day of Christmas: projection and family dynamics

Watch as Uncle Bob projects his professional disappointments onto you, criticism masquerading as concern. Your sister’s seemingly innocent comments carry the weight of childhood rivalries. Psychoanalysis aims to help you recognize these projections, transforming you from a passive recipient of family narratives to an active interpreter of emotional scripts.

On the third day of Christmas: the unconscious holiday script

Your family gathering is not just a meal; it’s a carefully choreographed psychological performance. Each member plays a role established decades ago – the peacemaker, the black sheep, the golden child, the wise men, the angels and the shepherds. Psychoanalytic therapy can provide script analysis, helping you identify and grasp the inference in these deeply ingrained patterns.

On the fourth day of Christmas: transference and family interactions

Every interaction becomes a window into your unconscious processes. That tension with your mother… It’s rarely about the overcooked turkey. Is it perhaps related to those early attachment experiences, unresolved conflicts, and deep-seated emotional patterns that have been simmering in the realm of the unconscious since childhood, with a hint of the aroma of boiled sprouts?

On the fifth day of Christmas: breaking defensive mechanisms

Family gatherings trigger our most sophisticated psychological defence mechanisms. Humour becomes a shield, sarcasm a weapon, silence a fortress. Psychoanalysis can help you to recognise these hidden defences, encouraging an authentic emotional engagement beneath the festive veneer.

On the sixth day of Christmas: the unconscious holiday narrative

Your family’s holiday story is more complex than any Netflix drama. Unspoken traumas, generational patterns, and collective family myths create a narrative far more compelling than any Christmas special. Psychoanalytic therapy offers you the opportunity to re-write the director’s cut, helping you illuminate the deeper subtext of the storyline.

On the seventh day of Christmas: emotional archaeology

Each family interaction is an archaeological dig into your psychological landscape. Old wounds, repressed memories, unacknowledged traumas – they all resurface during the holidays. Psychoanalysis can provide the tools to gently excavate these emotional artefacts with as much care and compassion as you employ to slice and serve that extra special Christmas pavlova.

On the eighth day of Christmas: navigating emotional boundaries

Learn to establish psychological boundaries more robust than a gingerbread iced fortress. Psychoanalytic therapy empowers you to differentiate between your emotions and those projected onto you, creating a healthy emotional ecosystem amidst family chaos. A breadcrumb trail through the forest of the unconscious.

On the ninth day of Christmas: understanding repetition compulsion

Why do we find ourselves repeating the same family dynamics year after year? Psychoanalysis can reveal the unconscious drives which compel us to recreate familiar emotional landscapes, even when they’re painful and seemingly unavoidable. An Alka-Seltzer for those undigested issues.

On the tenth day of Christmas: the gift of self-awareness

Your greatest present this Christmas is self-understanding. Addressing and processing the unconscious elements we bury like a tangerine in the toe of our Christmas stocking, Psychoanalytic therapy can transform family gatherings from potential emotional minefields into opportunities for growth, insight and hopefully a family game of Uno that doesn’t descend into World War III.

On the eleventh day of Christmas: integrating the shadow

Embrace the parts of yourself and your family history you’d prefer to keep wrapped up. True healing comes from acknowledgment, not denial. Set a place at the table for all the ghosts of your Christmas’ past.

On the twelfth day of Christmas: transformation

As the holiday dust settles, you may emerge not just surviving, but psychologically transformed. Armed with insights from the psychoanalytic journey, you’ve navigated the complex emotional terrain of family dynamics, Prancer and Dancer would be most impressed!

Remember, dear reader: this Christmas, your most valuable gift is the journey of self-discovery.

 

Shiraz El Showk is a Training Member of the Association for Group and Individual Psychotherapy (AGIP) and a registered Training member of the UKCP, She is experienced in Psychodynamic counselling and Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy work with individuals, on both long and short term basis. Shiraz works from our Brighton and Hove practice, Lewes practice and online.

 

Further reading by Shiraz El Showk –

Parents – the ghosts and angels of our past

Is an AI therapist as good as a human one?

What is the unconscious? (part one)

Why is three the magic number? Third spaces, secure bases and creative living (part two)

Filed Under: Families, Relationships, Shiraz El Showk Tagged With: families, psychoanalysis, Psychoanalytic therapy

April 22, 2024 by BHP Leave a Comment

What is the unconscious? (part one)

We use the words unconscious and subconscious quite frequently, but what do they really describe?

The unconscious and its processes are an integral aspect of exploration and discovery in psychoanalytic therapy, but what do we mean and understand when we refer to this unseen and unknowable territory? There may be as many answers to this, as there are individuals who wonder about the question. Perhaps the process of wondering is an end in itself and a definitive answer should always elude us.

What do the theory books tell us?

A monumental and encyclopaedic book, “The Discovery of the Unconscious” was published in 1970 by Henri Ellenburger, that describes our human fascination with developing an understanding of the nature and revelations of this unknown realm of our inner being. Tracing the evolutionary path of this long-standing interest, he describes the functions of: shaman, as magical guides to spiritual realms; priests, as confessors and exorcists; and the mesmerists and hypnotists that emerged as we entered the cultural eras of the scientific and rational. This lineage culminates with the domains of psychiatric and psychological systems – the talking therapies used today to reach a deeper understanding of ourselves. Pioneers engaged in mapping this exploration range across sociological, anthropological, philosophical, esoteric, psychological and neuroscientific fields.

First expeditions of the pioneers of psychoanalysis

From the psychoanalytic field, Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung were not the first, but possibly two of the most prominently remembered, who attempted to describe this unknowable territory.

What did Sigmund Freud find on his journey?

Freud imagined the unconscious as an isolated phenomenon, hidden in the individual psyche of each person. He proposed a shape for this territory consisting of three spaces, we can see these as layers or depths. He named these the unconscious, the pre-conscious and the conscious.

Freud understood humans to have two basic energetic forces, similar to the impulses that fire across neurons. These he described as ‘drives’: a libidinal or life drive, and a death drive, destructive and the opposite of the libidinal drive. He imagined these drives acting across and between the realms of our psyche or mind – conscious and unconscious, and believed this system favoured an economy of action and affect. These can direct our thoughts, actions and behaviours without our being conscious of them. So, when we experience a free-flowing movement of these impulses we are in a healthy psychological state, or we can experience ill health as a result of resistance, blockages, imbalance and repression of these drives. Freud believed that the working of these drives in the unconscious could be revealed and analysed under the guidance of a psychotherapist. The therapists work was to illuminate these processes, identified by observing the retelling of dreams, free association (authentic, undirected expression of thoughts and feelings), misdeeds or mis-sayings, or by placing the client under hypnosis.

How were Carl Jung’s findings different?

Jung’s mapping of these territories was quite different from Freud’s. He imagined the conscious and unconscious as both individual and collective spaces, ‘an extremely fluid state of affairs… encompassing everything that ever was or will be’ (1954). For Jung our individual conscious holds the sum of all the experiences that are specific to us. This is where our personal ‘complexes’ exist, bodies of feelings, thoughts and memories attached to emotional states which inform our actions and behaviours. He added the concept of the collective unconscious to Freud’s map, a shared and accessible space available to every human being. He believed this collective space was the container of universal archetypes, motifs and knowledge from all of human culture and experience. Jung’s map of the unconscious was developed using metaphors from esoteric traditions. His approach to the unconscious was teleological, in that he felt the unconscious could be understood as functioning intuitively or instinctively, providing a means for the transformations of the self.

So how do we try to understand it today?

It might be useful to imagine the unconscious as an ever-changing territory which we live from, are informed by, and feel the effect of, in our conscious existence. In attempting to map its geography, climates, currents and systems, I find it useful to remember philosopher Alfred Korzybski words, ‘The map is not the territory, the word is not the thing it describes.’

Where do we begin when we look for it then?

I read a wonderful quote once, ‘the buying of more books than one can read is nothing less than the soul reaching towards infinity’ (A. Edward Newton). The narratives we find in stories, myths and fables can often present us with opportunities to explore our own inner worlds.

Phillip Pullman writes that ‘After nourishment, shelter and companionship, stories are the thing we need most in the world.’ Perhaps in these stories we are able to find maps to our unconscious? And in our approach to finding it, we might take Pullman’s analogy for finding his Secret Commonwealth as a guide, ‘You gotta think about it the same way as if you want to see it. You got to look at it sideways. Out of the corner of your eye. So you gotta think about it out of the corner of your mind. It’s there and it en’t, both at the same time. If you want to see… the absolute worst way is to go about the marsh with a searchlight.’ (2019).

How can therapy help understand our unconscious processes?

A therapeutic alliance is a relationship in which the therapist listens to and engages with the stories brought to them. Attending to these narratives with an open-minded curiosity, can help explore, bring to the surface and re-position experiences that are held in our unconscious.

In Bettelheim’s book The Uses of Enchantment he writes that, ‘when unconscious material is to some degree permitted to come to awareness and worked through in imagination, its potential for causing harm – to ourselves or others – is much reduced; some of its forces can then be made to serve positive purposes.’

Something remarkable happens to our physiology when we share stories. Neuroimaging data taken from a range of studies have illustrated how the practice of engaging in joint narrative retelling and creation causes a physiological mirroring in the brain activity of the collaborating parties, neural synchronisation or coupling. In this way, the act of sharing our personal stories with a receptive listener, can be understood as mapping our experiences into the mind of the other, which can be seen reflected in the brain’s physically synchronised response.

Why can this be a really helpful journey of exploration?

In my favourite quote from Donald Winnicott, he writes that; Psychotherapy is not making clever and apt interpretations; by and large it is a long-term giving the patient back what the patient brings. It is a complex derivative of the fact that reflects what is to be seen. I like to think of my work this way, and to think that if I do this well enough the patient will find his or her own self, and will be able to exist and feel real. Feeling real is more than existing, it is finding a way to exist as oneself, and to have a self into which to retreat for relaxation. (1971)

If we think of psychotherapy as a journey towards finding our way to exist as ourselves, we might then see it as an attempt to co-create a map of the intangible territory of our unconscious and its processes with our therapist. The map is not the territory, but we can suggest its form ‘out of the corner of our minds’ by sharing stories. These stories allow the therapist to feel and experience with us, as is shown to be reflected in the synchronisation of their neural networks. This mirroring is a mutual experience and often as illuminating for the therapist as it is for the client – a parallel process.

Where to next?

I have tried here to share my understanding of what the unconscious might be and how attempting to illuminate some of its processes is integral to the therapeutic approach I believe in. I hope this exploration is of use to the people who come and share their stories with me.

Sharing stories is how we communicate across many of our interactions with all sorts of people.

In psychotherapy, these conversations are held within a ‘third’ space that attempts to create unconscious resonance, regulation and revision within the alliance. This aims to facilitate the individual’s self-discovery, finding a secure base from which to live creatively from and enjoy, and this will be the subject of another story to share.

I believe wholeheartedly, that the benefits of exploring our unconscious territories, within a therapeutic partnership, can be life changing. After all, as Jung said;

‘Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.’

 

Shiraz El Showk is a Training Member of the Association for Group and Individual Psychotherapy (AGIP) and a registered Training member of the UKCP, She is experienced in Psychodynamic counselling and Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy work with individuals, on both long and short term basis. She is available at our Brighton & Hove Practice, Lewes Practice and Online.

Filed Under: Psychotherapy, Relationships, Shiraz El Showk Tagged With: psychoanalysis, Psychoanalytic therapy, Relationships

January 31, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

Compassionate Curiosity and the fundamental rule of Psychoanalysis

Freud said that there was only one rule in psychoanalysis: say whatever comes to your mind, even most importantly when you don’t want to. It is through this honesty that we listen to different parts of ourselves and start to discover our internal dynamic.

Why You Should Say What You’re Thinking in Therapy

Although opening up to a stranger is hard, telling your therapist exactly what we’re thinking and feeling is the best way to discover how much of what goes on inside of us is blocked from our conscious brain. As we start to become more aware of our repressions, we can discover more about how we are conditioned, and why we are the way that we are. Most of us have a pre-defined narrative of ourselves, however, most of the time these have been created as coping mechanisms,

When there are parts of ourselves that we don’t like or that we feel don’t match the identity of someone who we feel is ‘acceptable’, it can lead us to be scared of those parts of ourselves. Psychotherapy allows us to understand these parts and lessen their power over us. Therapists may ask many questions in a non-judgemental light to find the root of these feelings. This can feel strange to patients, however, over time, patients will realist this behaviour is compassionate curiosity.

What is Compassionate Curiosity?

Compassionate curiosity is a combination of self-compassion and curiosity. When patients understand therapists are compassionately curious, it’s easier for them to become less afraid and more curious about themselves too. Their internal judge can be lessened as they accept what they previously believed was unacceptable.

The following poem hopefully gives a flavour of this:

“Be curious, not judgmental.”

Be curious. Wonder awhile, listen, allow yourself to not know.

Not judgmental. Not “I know what this means”, not imagining the worst, not coming to hasty conclusions.

Be here, not there. Be now, not then. Be curious, not judgmental…

Walt Whitman.

Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy is a collective of experienced psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors working with a range of client groups, including fellow therapists and health professionals. If you would like more information, or an informal discussion please get in touch. Online therapy is available.

Filed Under: Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, Mental health, Society Tagged With: acceptance, coping, psychoanalysis

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