The new Netflix series Adolescence has sparked conversation for its raw portrayal of teenage life and family tension. As an NVR practitioner for the past nine years, I’ve come to realise that I view my world now through an NVR lens.
As I was watching the show I was struck by its affirmation of a key principle within NVR, which is that parental presence (or adult presence) is the most protective factor of all that we have for our children – and is a mantra I find myself stating over and over again within the therapy room with my clients.
The Adolescence show was certainly hard-hitting, and its themes run far deeper than its dramatic portrayal.
Perhaps one of the most striking elements was that the parents were seemingly unaware of what was happening for their child. As I was watching the show I was thinking about how there is so much that we as parents, as adults, can’t fully understand about our children’s world and found myself wondering if that has perhaps always been the case. There has been an exponential growth in the use of technology and social media by children of all ages, and in the marketing of products and advancement of the technology, so finely tailored to hook our children in. It seems this part of the world is set to stay.
For the most part our children seem to be able to keep pace with the evolving technology at a rate which far exceeds the capacity of most of us, and for many that in itself feels a terrifying prospect. We can educate ourselves and build in as many appropriate restrictions and safeguards as we can for our children, but it seems they are likely to remain one step ahead in their understanding of, and competency with, the advancing technology. As parents we are often acutely aware of the potential technological risks posed to our children. I can’t think of a family I have worked with for whom concerns about the extensive use of tech hasn’t been a significant one. I think for many parents though, what to do about those concerns is often the greatest challenge and becomes a source of significant daily tension within the family home.
The NVR approach can be helpful in cutting through some of these tensions for parents if we hold firm to the idea that parental presence can play a significant role in mitigating risks for our children. The more that we are able to see, hear and understand what is happening for our children and their experiences, the more we have the potential to be alongside them, connect with them, challenge them and support them. This is about so much more than stating the risks or imposing restrictions in attempts to mitigate them. By focusing on a child’s experiences of the parent’s presence in their life, both physically and emotionally, we can look to support the parent to tailor their presence and to use it to its best protective effect.
We explore how unconditional relational gestures can sustain connection and ‘reach out across the void’. We look at ways we can prioritise the relationship, strengthening the child’s experiences of their parents’ care, love, compassion and concern, alongside resisting disruptive patterns which pose a risk for the child, the parents and for the family as a whole.
Adolescence is a time of significant turbulence in many families and so often this can lead to a disconnect in the relationship between the child and their parents; a void between them which can feel hard to breach. For some this difficult time is viewed as inevitable – ‘everybody knows teenagers are a nightmare, right?’ However, with this pervasive narrative comes an increased vulnerability for the child, as parents come to accept rejection, erasure and the disconnect. This can set in as an entrenched pattern of interaction within the family – right at the point the teenager is exercising and establishing their right to greater freedom and autonomy.
Throughout adolescence young people are increasingly striving towards this independence, while also paradoxically seeming to operate as a much younger child in many regards. Significant behavioural challenges can set in within the family as miscommunications, misunderstanding, and differences of opinions ensue. Add to this a relational void, and for many the atmosphere can be explosive or avoidant – further widening the experience of disconnect and increasing vulnerability and risk.
Through the NVR approach we look to balance these tensions, to be guided towards ‘striving for thriving’, autonomy and independence while at the same time exploring ways to emotionally reconnect, to reconcile challenges, to reach out across the void, to keep showing up as a parent – actively resisting elements within the family system and relationship which serve as a block to connection.
NVR is an effective, optimistic and short-term intervention which uses principles of non-violence in relational and family contexts. Parental presence, resistance and the role of the community are cornerstones of the approach which help to bring about significant change for individuals and families. In a world where connection is too easily lost, presence becomes a quiet form of resistance — and perhaps the most radical act of parenting.
Georgie Leake is an NVR UK accredited advanced level NVR practitioner and holds a BSc (Hons) in Psychology, a Master of Education (Special Needs and Inclusive Education), a Master of Arts in Social Sciences and QTLS. Georgie is available at our Brighton & Hove Practice, Lewes Practice and Online.
Further reading by Georgie Leake –
An NVR journey
