We all experience negative thoughts and sometimes these thoughts can be painful, undermining and leave us feeling worthless. Some people simply try to tolerate them, and others might feel they are deserved – or even criticise themselves for having them in the first place. But is there another way to work with negative thoughts?
What if, instead of battling or pushing away our difficult thoughts, we gently turned toward them with compassion and understanding?
This idea is central to a therapeutic approach called Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT). CFT is based on the understanding that many of us, particularly those with histories of trauma, shame, or harsh self-criticism, struggle to generate feelings of safety, warmth, and care toward ourselves. The goal of CFT is to help people develop an inner compassionate voice—a way of relating to themselves that is kind, wise, and courageous, especially in the face of suffering.
One of the most powerful ways we can use compassion is in how we respond to our negative thoughts.
Why we have negative thoughts in the first place?
Before diving into how to be compassionate to negative thoughts, it’s helpful to understand why we have them. From a CFT perspective, our minds are shaped by evolution. Our brains developed to keep us safe in a world that was often dangerous and unpredictable. That means we’re wired with threat-detection systems that are constantly scanning for danger—internally and externally.
This system is brilliant at spotting potential threats, but not so great at distinguishing real danger from perceived threat. As a result, we may experience critical, fearful, or shaming thoughts even when no actual danger is present. These thoughts are not your fault—they’re your brain’s way of trying to protect you. If we look deeply into our negative thoughts, and track them back to our formative experiences, we can often see that they protected us in difficult or hostile situations. With the limited faculties we had in our early childhood, these thoughts were our prime defense against difficult situations. Their purpose in many ways was to keep us out of danger.
As we get older, these thoughts continue and become a habit – we constantly criticise ourselves to keep us safe in the way we learnt in our childhood. Over time, these thinking patterns become habitual. Unfortunately, we often respond to these thoughts with yet more internal threat—shame, suppression, or judgment which can further exacerbate the problem.
Meeting your inner critic with compassion
Let’s say you make a mistake at work and immediately think, “I’m such an idiot. I always mess things up.” A typical reaction might be to argue with the thought, try to block it out, or to agree with it which can take us into a shameful spiral.
From a compassionate perspective, we do something very different: we turn toward the thought with curiosity and kindness.
This shift doesn’t mean you agree with the negative thought or indulge it. It means you create space to understand it, soothe it, and decide how to respond from a place of wisdom and calm rather than fear or judgment.
Three emotion systems and why balance matters
CFT describes three core emotional systems that govern how we experience life:
- The threat system – focuses on survival, reacts with fear, anger, or disgust.
- The drive system – motivates us to achieve goals and seek rewards.
- The soothing system – promotes feelings of safety, calm, and connection.
Many of us live with an overactive threat system (negative thoughts, anxiety, self-criticism) and an overused drive system (always chasing goals or perfection), while the soothing system is underdeveloped. Compassion helps activate the soothing system, bringing balance to the other two.
When you respond to a negative thought with compassion, you’re essentially saying:
“I see you, I hear you, and I choose to respond with care, not fear.”
Practical steps to cultivate compassion toward negative thoughts
Here are several accessible strategies to begin meeting your negative thoughts with compassion:
- Label the thought, not yourself
Instead of saying, “I’m a failure,” try saying, “I’m having the thought that I’m a failure,” or even “I’m having a negative thought.” This creates distance and allows space for reflection and care. - Use a soothing voice
Speak to yourself as you would to a friend or a child in distress. You might say:
“This is hard. You’re feeling overwhelmed right now, and that’s okay. Let’s take a breath and slow down.” - Get curious
Ask yourself:
“What is this thought trying to protect me from? What does it need?”
Often, negative thoughts stem from past wounds or unmet emotional needs. - Practice compassion imagery
We can also use visualisation to help access compassion. Imagine a compassionate figure—real or fictional—who sees your suffering and responds with love and understanding. Imagine what they would say to you right now? - Anchor in the body
Physical gestures, like placing a hand on your heart or face, can help signal to your brain that you are safe. Pair it with a calming breath and a kind phrase like,
“May I be kind to myself in this moment.”
Compassion is a practice, not a quick fix
Meeting your inner critic with compassion won’t erase negative thoughts overnight. But it does change your relationship with them. You gradually stop being at war with yourself and start becoming a caring presence in your own life. While this practice may seem simple, it can be challenging to carry out, and we may not be fully aware of the scope of our negative thoughts. Working with a psychotherapist can help to understand our negative thoughts and aid in bringing more compassion to our inner worlds.
It’s important to remember that you are not your thoughts. You are the awareness behind them—the one with the power to choose how to respond. When you choose compassion, you create a more grounded, kind, and resilient space within yourself
That’s where healing begins.
Dr Simon Cassar is an integrative existential therapist, trained in Person-Centred Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), and Existential Psychotherapy. He is available at our Lewes clinic and also works online.
Further reading by Dr Simon Cassar –
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