Why interdependence is a healthy middle ground for mental and emotional wellness
How often do you hear people encouraging others to be ‘independent’ and ‘self-reliant’? Maybe you’ve even been that person trying to motivate someone to ‘stand on your own two feet’ and ‘try not to lean on others’.
Sentiments like this might be expressed when there seems to be an extreme level of dependence. Looking to others to always meet our needs can be familiar and comfortable, but it can also prevent personal growth and foster feelings of inadequacy. Even if we have legitimate needs that require us to depend on others, being informed and making your own choices can greatly enhance the experience of relying on other people.
On the opposite end of the spectrum is the concept of independence. The Cambridge dictionary defines it as ‘the ability to live your life without being helped or influenced by other people.’ While the idea of not needing others can be appealing, especially when trust has been broken or past relationships have let us down, excessive independence can lead to isolation, stress, and burnout. Though we all benefit from achieving success on our own at times, we may start to feel alone if we neglect to build and maintain healthy relationships.
Finding a balance between dependence and independence can be challenging, but the concept of interdependence offers a healthy middle ground.
Interdependence: no man is an island
We know, from both observation and scientific research, that no living thing on Earth can exist in complete isolation. Bees need flowers for pollen, plants rely on bees for pollination, soil requires plants for microbial health, and plants need soil for nutrients… and so on.
Interdependence describes a balanced, healthy reliance on others without total dependence and with give and take. It allows for stepping away and coming back together with trust and mutual respect. The 17th-century poet John Donne famously said, ‘No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.’ His words emphasise the significance of our connection to others and the world around us.
The psychiatrist Donald Winnicott echoed this in his work with parents and infants, stating, ‘There is no such thing as an infant, meaning, of course, that whenever one finds an infant, one finds maternal care, and without maternal care there would be no infant.’ Winnicott highlighted the ideal bond between mother and child, suggesting that they cannot conceptually exist without each other. He believed this connection shapes the future relational experiences of the infant.
John Bowlby, the psychiatrist who pioneered attachment theory, also spoke to this, explaining that early relationships teach us how to form secure bonds later in life. A ‘secure base’ in relationships enables us to explore the world safely, with a stable place to return to when things become difficult, or we need rest and connection. This can be harder to develop in adulthood if it was not established in childhood.
Despite what can seem to be an emphasis on independence in our society, many social care and mental health services recognise the importance of relationships and connection in healing trauma and fostering fulfilling lives. One example of this in relation to interdependence is in therapeutic communities, designed for individuals often living with emotional distress and severe mental health challenges. These communities emphasise relational treatment, and the repair of early relational trauma through the experience of being with, doing with and, often, living with others. This, sometimes complex and difficult therapeutic process, creates space for belonging, connection and hope as members navigate conflict and care for one another through careful boundary setting and reflection. It offers an opportunity to relearn the value of healthy, supportive relationships.
I’ve witnessed first hand, in my work, how people can transform when they move from an isolated, independent, or dependent state to one of interdependence. Through this shift, individuals learn to establish and maintain boundaries, while fostering mutually supportive relationships and a sense of belonging. This approach can also be applied to social groups, workplaces, and families. Workplaces can even cultivate a resilient and secure workforce by nurturing a culture of interdependence.
Reflecting on your own relationship with independence and dependence
It can be helpful to reflect on your own patterns of independence and dependence by considering these questions:
- Do you allow others to help you, and can you ask for help?
- Do you prioritise helping others over helping yourself?
- How do you cope when others are not around?
- How could you cultivate more interdependent relationships in your life?
- What do you offer others, and what do you truly need from them?
The answers to these questions may surprise you. You might find that some of your behaviours are rooted in deeper beliefs you have or experiences from the past. You might also identify areas where you want to make changes. If these questions stir up feelings of uncertainty or discomfort, it could be helpful to explore them further, whether on your own or, in the spirit of interdependence, with the support of others, to better understand and navigate these challenges.
Kirsty Toal is an experienced psychotherapist with a decade spent offering therapy, training and clinical supervision in a variety of settings. Kirsty offers short- and long-term psychodynamic and psychoanalytic psychotherapy to adults, in person in Lewes and online.
Further reading by Kirsty Toal
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