At the heart of every relationship lies a tension between safety and uncertainty. Safety allows us to let go of our worries and feel secure in ourselves and our relationships. But too much safety can make life feel flat and stuck. While uncertainty can keep us and our relationships feeling alive and open to growth, too much can be overwhelming and even destructive.
In this article we will explore the roles safety and uncertainty play in our emotional development and relational health.
The need for safety
From our earliest days, human beings have been wired to seek safety. In childhood, a consistent, caring presence helps us feel secure enough to let go of our worries and confidently look out on the world. Attachment theory calls this sense of safety a ‘secure base’ which, according to Ainsworth (a leading attachment figure), can be observed ‘when the infant uses the caregiver as a base from which to explore and as a haven of safety in times of distress’.
Without enough safety, we can feel threatened rather than creative. Instead of curiosity about what we might discover and enjoy, we can experience anxiety and withdrawal. Healthy growth becomes difficult, if not impossible, when we are constantly protecting ourselves.
Safety enables us to feel seen and known, without fear of ridicule or rejection. It supports self-reflection and gives us the courage to share our feelings, needs, and hopes with others.
Why uncertainty matters
While we naturally seek safety, uncertainty is also vital for our happiness and our close relationships. Uncertainty is present whenever we express a vulnerable feeling, welcome someone’s difference, or allow a relationship to change. It asks us to tolerate, not knowing what will happen next.
What keeps both ourselves and our relationships feeling alive is the unknown. If everything were certain, nothing would change, and no growth would be possible. When we avoid uncertainty completely, by controlling situations or keeping emotions tightly contained, we may feel safe, but we also become stuck. Relationships can lose their vitality if we fail to grow. Or as John Henry Newman said, ‘If we insist on being as sure as is conceivable, we must be content to creep along the ground, and can never soar’.
New experiences, fresh perspectives, and ever-evolving self-experiences all require stepping into the unknown. It may feel uncomfortable, but not knowing what lies ahead is what keeps us moving forward and discovering ourselves and each other anew.
Therapy provides safe uncertainty
Relational psychotherapy offers a space where safety and uncertainty can meet. Sessions are boundaried, confidential, a place where your feelings and experiences are listened to and explored. This process builds the emotional safety which has been developmentally lacking and vitally needed.
Alongside this, therapy invites uncertainty, where new and perhaps unfamiliar feelings can arise. You may say things you have never said aloud, notice patterns you haven’t seen before, or try out new ways of relating to another person. This collaborative work aims to create a space that encourages both trust and the confidence to take risk.
This dual experience of ‘safe uncertainty’ models how, in everyday life, we can cultivate relationships that are both secure and spacious, no longer fearful of change but actively encouraging it.
Building the capacity for both
Developing our ability to hold both safety and uncertainty is a gradual process. Creating emotional safety means learning to offer and seek relationships where trust can grow. Increasing tolerance for uncertainty means practising staying present when outcomes are unknown, sharing a difficult feeling, listening without rushing to reassurance, or allowing change to unfold.
Each reinforces the other: the more we feel securely supported, the more willing we become to explore. And each experience of stepping into the unknown and finding we are still okay deepens our sense of real safety.
How therapy can help
In therapy, we explore how past experiences have shaped your relationship with safety and uncertainty. Perhaps early relationships left you feeling you had to be predictable to others to stay accepted. Perhaps conflict or loss made you wary of trusting others. Understanding these patterns allows us to move on from them and for new possibilities to emerge.
Through therapy, we aim to develop a consistent sense of safety, from where you can experiment with sharing feelings and ideas you might usually hide, and discover that uncertainty, rather than being dangerous, can bring vitality and deeper connections.
Safety and uncertainty are not opposites that vie for dominance. They are complementary partners that need and work with each other. Therapy aims to build your inner security and the confidence to step into uncertainty and experience your own aliveness and growth, for you and your relationships.
Thad is an experienced psychotherapist, a registered member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP). He works long-term with individuals in our Lewes and Brighton and Hove practices.
Further reading by Thad Hickman
The cost of hiding your vulnerability: why emotional strength begins with openness
When life shifts without warning: finding your way through unwanted transitions
