Kevin Collins Blogs - Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

Facing the Green-Eyed Monster

Further reading by Kevin Collins –

When it comes to parenting, are you a builder or a gardener?

October 3, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

What Can Relationship Counselling Help With?

For most of us, the start of a relationship is an extremely exciting time. Not only is the relationship itself hugely enjoyable – fun and life-enhancing – but it can also seem to transform our world. Put simply, it makes the world seem a better place.

It seems odd to think that something that develops from a place of such unbridled joy, can be connected to the development of so much unhappiness for many couples. The intimacy the couple once shared freely and with delight, now feels like a chore and is doled out with resentment; the home they once thought of as their refuge has become their prison; the person who was once lover and confidante is now an enemy. And so on.

Of course, not all relationships that run into difficulties have a narrative that can be summed up in as binary as fashion as that above – but they do all have a narrative. The exploration of this narrative is the generic purpose of couples counselling. As the couple talk through the journey of their relationship, it will help them to understand the reasons – often unconscious forces – behind their behaviours and feelings. They can then make choices based on understanding rather than unconscious drives.

Communication and the presence of the past

It is difficult to avoid the presence of the past in almost anything we say or do. We learned our communication skills when we were very young from the family and environment in which we were raised. It is no surprise that those skills will play out strongly in our relationships as adults. If our communication skills are poor, we may feel misunderstood. If we feel misunderstood, we may become defensive, which might well be experienced by our partner as hostility. Over time the behaviours driven by such communication may leave both partners feeling isolated, which in turn will drive further alienating behaviours.

One of the most important aspects of relationship work will be to explore how the couple communicate and, importantly, what is driving those communication methods. If there is will, whatever has been learned can be unlearned and replaced. It just takes a little bit of work!

Intimacy

Intimacy is not necessarily the most important area in a relationship, but it is often a touchstone for other matters and its lack can be felt intensely by either or both partners. It can be difficult for couples to understand how something that once seemed so colourful and vital now appears so pale and lifeless. The prospect of intimacy can be threatening. It touches on areas of desire, shame, self-worth, driving fear – again often making us aware of
the presence of the past. Through an exploration of this aspect of the relationship, the couple will have a better understanding of what is behind their behaviours in the area of intimacy and can begin to move towards a re-connection in this most vital part of how they relate to each other.

Surviving conflict

Couples counselling will help us to understand what is happening with us when we are in conflict. Many couples will want to avoid conflict, and it can be difficult to understand that dealing with it can be good for us. It can help us learn that we can be in dispute – with all the anxiety associated with it – and then return to a place where we feel safe again. Conflict does not have to mean catastrophe. However, this is another aspect of communication, and
we need to develop our resilience in the area to avoid becoming (once again!) prisoners of our past.

Knowing me, knowing you

The ‘unexamined life is not worth living’ might seem a little reductive. Perhaps Aristotle should have put it more positively – more like, ‘understanding oneself has great benefits.’

However, within a relationship, understanding yourself and your partner does indeed have great benefits. I would argue it is one of the significant rewards of attending therapy as a couple. Being valued, being understood are the building blocks of love.

Talking and listening

It is not unusual for couples to find it difficult to talk to each other. Over time, the pair may begin to avoid difficult topics, often through fear of conflict, or maybe through fear of potential outcome more generally. Couples counselling will help the couple discover and explore these areas of difficulty and, importantly, help to build a model which can be used outside and beyond the sessions to make sure that couples have the skills to talk and listen
effectively.

A good ending

A cursory look at divorce rates would demonstrate, starkly, that many relationships do, and will, end. Sometimes, the issues couples bring to their therapy, either as individuals or as a pair, lead them to decide that what is between them is overwhelming and that their best option is to separate. Couples counselling can help to navigate these challenging decisions and the very difficult feelings associated with them. All of us must deal with endings in our lives, and all endings involve loss of one sort or another. Although dealing with endings is often the one of most painful processes of couples counselling, it does not have to be catastrophic. If the decision is to end the relationship, counselling will help the couple to find a way to keep intact as much of the positive connection between the couple as possible.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Kevin, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by Kevin Collins –

Facing the Green-Eyed Monster

September 12, 2022 by BHP Leave a Comment

What Can Couples Counselling Help With?

Couples Counselling or Couples Therapy can help the couple communicate better, look at past influences on present behaviour and help the individuals within the couple understand themselves and their partner better. Depending on approach to couples therapy, the therapist will either work with the here-and-now issues and provide the couple with tools to better communicate and relate to one another, and/or look at the dynamics stemming from each person’s family of origin and what each brings into their relationship.

In a sense, the role of the therapist is to introduce the individuals in the couple to one another. There are sides of ourselves that might be difficult to show to our partners without the help of a third party who is “looking in” the relationship.

Observation

The couples counsellor acts as an observer of the couples existing communication style, noticing how they interact both verbally and non-verbally. This information assists the therapist and the couple in helping to identify unhelpful patterns and difficulties in getting important messages across. Communication involves speaking, listening and other vital non-verbal cues.

The aim is to achieve greater awareness of how we come across by slowing things down, reflecting on what was said and noticing how things are received by our partner. Patterns of communication usually stem from how we were taught to communicate in our family of origin, therefore what comes naturally may not be what is needed to improve a relationship.

Mediation

Some couples work involves mediation between parties, especially in situations of conflict and impasse. When the couple gets stuck in recurring patterns of behaviour, a skilled third party can assist in calming things down when exchanges get heated, keep track of certain dynamics, and suggest new and different ways of dialogue that are more conducive to conflict resolution. Ideally, in time, mediation is no longer needed and the couple will eventually learn to slow things down themselves and reflect on their style of relating without the help of a professional.

Education

The therapist’s role is also that of an educator in the art of relating and communicating better. People who are very skilled in other areas of their lives can get stuck when it comes to their relationship. There is no shame in being a master communicator in your job but completely fail when it comes to your relationship. This is because there is so much more at stake. The closer we are to someone, the more difficult it is to see things clearly. Some people may feel resistance to coming to couples therapy because they don’t want to be taught to do something that they think they should know themselves. However, a certain degree of humility when it comes to improving your marriage or partnership, can go a long way. Afterall, we are all learning new things all the time.

Final Thoughts

It might feel daunting for couples to talk about the difficulties in their relationship to a total stranger. It can also feel exposing to talk to a stranger about your feelings in front of your partner. However, this very exposure is what enables us to lower our defences and put us in a more receptive and reflective frame of mind. Individuals within a couple often, over the course of their relationship, built walls around themselves as a protection against emotional
hurt and pain. Within a safe space and with a trusted therapist, the couple can hopefully begin to talk about and understand the origins of these feelings. This usually leads to partners getting to know each other better and feeling closer as a result. With more tools and healthier patterns of relating learnt during the sessions, the couple should feel more equipped to continue working on their relationship even after the therapy has ended.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Kevin, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by Kevin Collins –

When it comes to parenting, are you a builder or a gardener?

December 13, 2021 by BHP Leave a Comment

Facing The Green-Eyed Monster

Of all the emotions that are difficult for couples to deal with, nothing can be quite as degrading and destructive as jealousy. Its process is one of moving its host from a place of security to one where merely a look or glance can leave the heart racing and the mind frantic, as it searches for a degree of assurance. If one thing is for sure, jealousy and
certainty cannot exist in the same place.

It is an emotion which has captivated writers through the ages. Homer to Shakespeare and from Browning to Dostoevsky, jealousy has provided fruitful ground for the study of character, perhaps because these great commentators on human life recognised its potential to drive its protagonists from the reasonable to the irrational in a heartbeat, with, as Shakespeare puts it, only ‘trifles light as air’ as the motivation. How do we explain that a
handkerchief might lead to a partner’s murder? Or a friendly smile to a servant might prompt Browning’s Duke of Ferrara to stop ‘all smiles’ in his (last) Duchess?

Whilst for many of us, these great literary reflections on jealousy might feel a touch overblown, we will understand the places jealousy can take us in our thinking and emotional selves – leaving us prone to the irrational, the paranoic and sometimes even the psychotic.

What is Jealousy?

Put simply, jealousy is the drive to guard or hold on to something we possess – and, importantly, the determination not to let someone else take hold of it. In this way it differs from envy, which is driven by a desire for something which lies outside of our belonging.

The latter can be uncomfortable to deal with itself but handling its symptoms is more prone to reason. Jealousy, on the other hand, leaves reason trailing in its wake, which is of course is why it is so interesting to observers of human behaviour.

There are some further interesting traits worth mentioning regarding jealousy. When it is part of a regular behaviour pattern across relationships, it can often be traced back to the jealous person’s early attachment to parents and siblings. If, for one reason or another, the developing child felt insecure in those relationships, then it is likely that insecurity will feature in future relationships. For others, the emotion might be viewed as a vigorous defence against some perceived form of loss. Psychoanalysts might argue that this los is a symbolic one (separation from parents, for example), but it can often very real, as in the death of people close to the child.

Whether drive by attachment difficulties or loss, the two explanations point the lack of certainty, which seems to be the main difficulty for anyone dealing with the emotion. It is just impossible to find any sense of peace. If our certainty in the world is shaken, then jealousy becomes an existential problem of considerable significance.

The Jealous Mind

Jealousy, then, is a desperation to hold on to something, and the consequent effects of the anxiety generated by the perceived loss. In a couple, the jealous partner fears the loss of the other. For the partner in a jealous period, everything will touch on the inner vulnerability of loss and uncertainty. One’s partner is texting; one’s partner is late home; one’s partner seems distant – all will add to the anxiety, spun by the mind into myriad thoughts of loss and driving further the underlying feelings of uncertainty, which in turn feed back into the thoughts.

One of the features of jealousy is the irrational behaviours often associated with the person suffering its effects. It may not be as dramatic as the literary purveyors mentioned above, but the lengths to which we are prepared to protect against the sense of loss is extreme – and often some way out of character of normal behaviour. When Kirkegaard remarked that a ‘man inevitably renders himself ridiculous as soon as he become jealous’, he had in mind
this substantial loss of reason. That this behaviour is so ‘out of character’ is important, for it points to how the person sees themself. Jealousy thus becomes a wrecking ball for the person’s sense of self, leaving feelings of shame, humiliation and self-loathing in its wake, as it drives behaviours which normally the person would view as alien. It is degrading.

Jealousy as a Weapon

In jealousy’s most famous fictional outing – Shakespeare’s ‘Othello’ – it is a third party (Iago) who brings about the destruction of the protagonist’s relationship by employing jealousy as a weapon. Othello, a man used to absolute certainty, is reduced by Iago’s constant touching of his vulnerability – that the world may not be as easy to control, may not be as certain, as he once thought. We all know the ending!

However, in couple relationships, it is not unusual for one of the partners to make use of jealousy to manipulate the other, particularly when he or she knows that the other fears losing them. That vulnerability – the fear of loss – is easily played upon, often helping to develop an insecurity, which manipulative partners might make use of – often unconsciously – for their own benefit (and security).

Jealousy’s Legacy

Jealousy is not uniform in the way it is experienced. For some it will seem rational. The threat to the relationship will be transparent – often a third party, whom the jealous partner will see as a direct threat. For many, though, the threat is more generalised and is often not identifiable by either party involved. In these cases, jealousy will often be experienced as a generalized anxiety, perhaps the result of an ambiguous attachment model operating within one – or both – of the couple. Interestingly, both these situations can generate paranoia, which will feed back into the loop of feelings, and may well have to be ‘acted out’ at some stage. For the couple, this is likely to be in skirmishes or full-blown rows, which will, in their turn, further add to the anxiety and fear within one or both of those involved.

Given the intensity of emotions involved and the likely ‘acting out’ at one stage or another, there will be other feelings with which to deal, usually after the jealous (‘acting out’) episode. The behaviour of the jealous partner may well seem to them to be irrational –perhaps out of character. He or she will be left with feelings of guilt and shame: perhaps even humiliation and self-loathing. Imagine, the reputation and sense of self – carefully tended over years – left in tatters because of an episode of behaviour which the protagonist is at a loss to understand. Jealousy, then, has the power to diminish and degrade us – which adds to its power, leaving us prone to greater anxiety and further episodes of irrational behaviour.

Living and loving in the shadow of Jealousy

Jealousy is something that preys on the relations we have with the people and objects in our environment. Not surprisingly, the better we feel about ourselves, and the more secure we are regarding where we stand in relation to our environment, the more easily we will be able to cope with the anxiety associated with jealous feelings. In short, by working on ourselves, we will have some protection from the anxiety associated with the emotion.

The ideal position is to see the partner’s potential loss as a choice not as a threat. Very few of us would place much value on the love of a partner who is forced to love us. Most of us would want that love to be freely chosen. Thus, if, in our minds, we can set our partners free, and accept their love as a gift (freely given), we will free ourselves from ever having to deal with the green-eyed monster.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Kevin, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by Kevin Collins –

When it comes to parenting, are you a builder or a gardener?

November 22, 2021 by BHP Leave a Comment

When it comes to parenting, are you a builder or a gardener?

What a job it is to raise a child! So full of difficulty, so many moving parts in the process, so much resourcefulness and energy required. Then, just when the parent takes breath to admire their creation, off goes the young adult – at times with barely a backward glance. The parents are left behind wondering where those years have gone and trying desperately to remember what life was like before children.

But what about the process of raising a child? The very fact that there are piles of self-help books on an entirely natural process – after all, our species have been doing it for millennia – is enough in itself to make us pause and reflect. How has parenting just got so complicated and how can thinking about builders and gardeners make us reflect on our parenting style?

One of the factors that makes parenting so difficult is the way parents see themselves in the role. As society puts increasing value on the care and wellbeing of children, so the pressure is on parents to do a better job in raising them – to be accountable. Of course, much of this will be driven by the interests of the child – but there is also self interest involved. After all, that child will be a part of the parent, representing what the parent represents. Homer Simpson captured this idea of children replicating the values system of their parents in his usual comic fashion when he said that what he really liked about having children is ‘you can make them grow up to hate all the things you hate!’ Homer saw his children as extensions of himself, carrying within him some model of what he thought his grown-up child should look like – and seeing his job as making sure the way they see the world corresponds with the way he sees it. We might class his parenting style as project based – like a builder, following a set of plans to some fixed outcome.

Others might be comfortable in their role as parent without such a plan, perhaps allowing the child more freedom to find their own way. Rather than building, they might see their job as nurturing and hence we might class their parenting style as gardening. Whilst most of us will fall somewhere on a continuum between the extremes of these two approaches, thinking about them offers us the chance to re-assess what is going on for us, and for our children, in the process.

Builders

Parents who think in ‘building’ terms, might also be seen as project-focussed parents. They will often carry in their heads some template or plan as to what their child is to become. Self-help guides might be more like manuals in their minds. They will busy themselves with gathering the resources to realise that project. Ballet lessons, music lessons, sports sessions – all might be part of that plan. Of course, education will be crucial: the right school, the right approach and right attitude to progress. The aim will be to achieve the right outcome.

It can be extremely frustrating for these project-focussed parents when things do not go according to the plan. It is not unusual for there to be an amount of conflict, either with the child or with the support around them. Talk to any school head and they will have countless stories of this sort of difficulty.

The intention is a good one: to give the child the very best chance to achieve a particular – often aspirational – goal. The difficulty is that the model of the child-as-adult that is carried in the head of the parent may not be the one that the child carries for themself. It is a situation that can lead to anxiety in both camps. For the parents, they have to come to terms with the reality that they may not be able to determine outcome, and they may have to deal with disappointment and a sense of loss, as their children follow a path that was never in their (the parents’) plan. For the child, whom at some stage at least will have wanted to please their parents, they, too, will have to deal with difficult emotions that may involve a sense of having failed in some way. Not surprisingly, low mood and anxiety can be the result.

Gardeners

It would be unfair to say that gardener-parents have no plans for their children, but it is not quite as prescribed as it is in the case of builder-parents. Rather than a fixed plan and a fixed route to a clear end goal, gardeners look to provide the right context or culture for the child to develop – just as a literal gardener would provide the right soil for their plants. The parent sees their role as nurturer – providing the care that is required for their offspring to grow. There may still be ballet lessons, music lessons and extra sports classes, but these are not so much to build towards a pre-conceived plan – more to encourage and find the ‘soil’ that is going to best suit the child, whom, the parents hope, will learn to put down their own roots and gradually begin to nourish themselves.

The neuroscience of nurture and independence

If we consider our species, we will understand the need for parents to want the best for their child – if they did not, there would be many more neglected children and infant mortality would put at risk the propagation of the species. Likewise, it makes considerable evolutionary sense for children to want to please their parents – the people who are going to nourish them through to the point where they can provide for themselves and, once again, continue to propagate the species. These two neurobiological drives can often work in harmony for the infant years of the child, but the onset of adolescence is likely to cause some disruption. The child now is looking to become independent, whereas the parents might still be wanting (or needing) to follow the plan.

Difficult Feelings

Wherever we sit on this spectrum of parental styles, we are unlikely to escape having to deal with difficult moments in the raising of our children. What can sometimes help us is to recognise and separate what belongs to us and what belongs to the child. When we feel disappointed because our child does not seem to be matching the plans for them that we have in our own mind as parents, then the difficult feelings that arise within us will constitute a real challenge. Our own fantasies – ideas we carry about what might and might not be – can sometimes leave us bereft and never more so than in dealings with our children. We need to keep those feelings with us and avoid any temptation to visit them on our children. It is hardly their fault that they do not always carry the same fantasies as we do. We want our children to be independent, but sometimes that can be a very difficult place to get to unless we let go, not just of the child, but of all the plans we carry for them. Then, despite the very difficult feelings of loss, our children’s leaving us with barely a backward glance might just be a mark of a job well done.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Kevin, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by Kevin Collins –

September 6, 2021 by BHP 2 Comments

I Never Thought My Son Would Watch Pornography

It was a decade ago that was listening to the radio when I heard this line being spoken for the first time by a mother who was describing the time the police came to her house to enquire after certain pornographic material which had been downloaded using the family IP address. She described the early morning raid by the police, the taking away of the family computers, the suspicion hanging over her husband – until it was discovered that it was the couple’s 14-year-old son who had viewed the material in a curiosity-driven trawl through multiple pornographic internet sites.

That may have been the first time I came across that line, but I have heard it many times since in the intervening period as I have moved into work supporting young boys and men in their efforts to free themselves from their addiction to online pornography.

Pornography and the Adolescent Brain

There has been considerable research in recent years into the effects of consistent use of pornography on the adolescent brain and, indeed, on the brain in general. To summarise a complicated process briefly, the plasticity of the adolescent brain (with all brains, actually), combined with a leaning towards hyper-arousal when it comes to matters of sex, leaves the teenage child prone to a vulnerability of dependence, which can be frightening in its speed and grip. The reward centre of the brain is hard-wired to be stimulated and demanding when certain things connected to the propagation of the species are on offer. Food and drink come to mind – but sex is important, too. As a species, we need to have sex to survive.

For the young adolescent, perhaps still some years away from a sexual encounter with a real person, the online world offers instead a kaleidoscope of sexual experiences at the touch of a button. In the secrecy of their bedrooms they are free to explore material that would have been unimaginable (certainly illegal to print) just a few decades ago. The brain does not know the difference between a computer and a real person. It just knows that its owner is excited sexually. Its reward centre is activated, and it releases that precious drop of dopamine, which will prove to be both curse and blessing, the first step on the road to addiction. To put it bluntly, for the child, it feels good – and the brain will begin to lay out the neural pathways which will make it easier to access that feeling in the future. As in all things – from football to depression – the brain gets better at what it practices.

As the boy becomes more habituated to the use of the pornography, so it becomes more difficult to achieve the level of arousal that was easily done on first viewing. In essence, the brain is developing a level of tolerance. The user has to find newer forms of stimulation – generally much riskier, more challenging sites – in order to satisfy the brain’s demands and to receive that precious dopamine hit. It becomes more difficult to focus on one item. The user will begin to hop from site to site in an effort to find the ‘best bits’; the whole purpose will become about gratification, generally marked by masturbation, which once achieved, is the signal for the whole cycle to start again. It all feels so natural. There are no drugs involved – apart from the delicious ones supplied by the brain. The parts of the body that react are doing so naturally. What can be wrong with something that feels so right?

Boys and not girls

The research on girls’ use of pornography is scant, but what does exist points to their usage as being considerably lower, and less frequent, compared with that of boys, something supported by anecdotal dealings with young people. Although many young girls (estimates suggest as high as 40%) will have viewed pornography, this is more likely to be out of curiosity rather than habitual usage. This might be partly cultural, partly to do with the way arousal works and develops in adolescents, partly to do with the interest in internet activity shown by girls generally (interestingly, figures in gaming addiction, a process which ‘piggy-backs’ on to the reward system, has similar figures in favour of boys’ dependency), and significantly to do with the type of pornography available, which is overwhelmingly produced for the gratification of men, with women in the role of the passive provider. Even the dominatrix – which alludes to a degree of power for the female – is a male construction, designed to gratify male desires. Given this context, it is no surprise that even into adulthood, the vast majority of pornography is consumed by men.

Meanwhile, in the real world

At the young man develops, they will want to practise their sexuality in the world around them. The difficulty for them is that their brains, accustomed now to being aroused by digital sexual-stimulus, will already have an idea of what sex looks and feels like, how their partner should behave and, significantly, they will already have internalised an idea that sex is something that involves their gratification. The notion that giving pleasure to others might be a fulfilling part of sexual engagement is something that is beyond their experience – even though their experience in some respects is a considerable distance ahead of where it might be in a non-digitalised world. For the habituated user of online pornography, it can be very difficult to come to terms with the fact that the person within their arms has feelings and desires which are unlikely to conform to those who have aroused their senses online. The online world will often present an exaggerated view of sexuality: breasts and penises are larger; bodies are firmer; all imperfections (and hair) are removed. For the habituated user, it can be very difficult to achieve any kind of arousal, and desire is lost – only to be found again back in the online world, where the brain, comfortable, primed and ready, can once again be gratified.

There is another difficulty that habitual users have to face. Their online experience will have normalised certain aspects of sexual behaviour that in the real world would be considered shocking or taboo. Even on the blandest pornographic sites freely available to all, one will find countless ‘sex with my stepmother/ sister/ etc’ as titles. It is as though it is the most normal, routine practice in the world. There really are no boundaries.

Disadvantaged Parents

It would be easy to be judgemental with parents whose children become habituated to online pornography. But there are a number of reasons for their ignorance and then denial regarding the habits of their sons. Firstly, unless they have used pornography themselves, they will have no idea how much is available – unfiltered, free and without the requirement of age verification – at a simple click of a button. It is hardly their fault that they just don’t know what they don’t know. Secondly, as pornography and issues more widely to do with sex are practised in areas of secrecy, there is often a barrier of shame which makes any non-judgemental discussion of the subject impossible for parents and children. Thirdly, and linked to the former point, the image of their children that many parents carry in heads often allows no room for an activity they themselves would find abhorrent. It is why so often when parents come to see me with their sons, they are in a state of shock. It is not unusual for them to apologise for the fact that their son is in this position, claiming plaintively that they ‘never thought their son would be using pornography.’

As youngsters become men

Unfortunately, many adult men who have to deal with addiction to pornography fail to do so until they are much older. Many of the clients I have worked with on the issue have endured many years of habitual use before being forced to seek help by circumstance rather than because they see it as a problem. It might be to with failed relationships; it might be because of worries to do with their increasingly poor sexual performance in real relationships – often manifested in low mood, anxiety or depression; or it might be that their sexualised treatment of a partner or friend is not appropriate for one reason or another and they feel a strong sense of shame. This last is perhaps worth highlighting as it has been the topic of national debate recently.

One of the dangers facing habitual users of online pornography is that they must deal with a blurring of the lines between what is real and what is imagined. Of course, we all do this to some extent when we watch a television show: we are adept at sorting what lies either side of that line between the real and the imaginary. But these television shows are not tapping into the reward centre in our brains; they are not linked to our areas of desire, gratification and reward as is the sexual instinct. On top of this, for many young people, they will have no experience outside of their online practices to guide them as to what is appropriate or not. They haven’t yet learned what is normal. If they make a mistake in this area, they could be left with a legacy of shame and regret – or much worse if their actions pass into illegality.

What can parents do?

My advice to parents is always very clear on this. Before you do anything else, contact your internet provider to make sure your controls are locked down – and never share your passwords with your children, or even enter a code when the child is in the same room. It is another story, but never underestimate the ingenuity of young people for discovering their parents’ passwords! Then talk to your child. Be curious. Take a parental interest in their internet history – not in a judgmental way, but one which seeks to understand what is going on for that young person. If your son is using pornography habitually, seek support for yourself and for them. Do not ignore it, for in any number of cases it will not go away. Research indicates that those who become addicted to online pornography are likely to be prone to low mood and depression, not surprising given that they may well be living a kind of double life, a part of which exists in a place of secrecy and shame. Those last two bedfellows are hardly the harbingers of happy, fulfilled lives.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Kevin, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by Kevin Collins –

August 9, 2021 by BHP Leave a Comment

Care for a Dance?

The considerable volume of writing on relationships is littered with metaphors to explore the intricate connections between people. Most frequent might be images of journeys (‘we had come to a crossroads – an obstacle’, ‘it always seems uphill’); of chemistry (‘I felt the spark had gone’; of sport (‘out of my league.’ ‘own goals’); even, of war (‘battles, bombs and victories’). There are many such in the lexicon, each proving useful in examining particular aspects of the emotional engine of relationships.

Dance as Metaphor

One of the most useful metaphor in working with couples is dance. It is an analogy which allows many of the complexities of a couple relationship to be examined. We might think about the negotiated ‘choreography’ – the way in which the individuals move symbolically in relation to each other and how distance and closeness might change according to the dance being played out. Or we could consider aspects of control, of who wants to take the lead (or give it up) and what this tells us about the relationship overall.

You do not need to be an expert on dance to understand that being in the moment and moving with some other person in the same space is going to take a degree of synchronicity. At times it will require that one leads as the other follows. And, inevitably, in keeping all things in balance, there will some testing periods in maintaining a consistent distance between the two protagonists, particularly as the music undergoes a change of dynamic. What seemed quite manageable in one context, can feel overwhelming in another.

What’s Your Role?

The roles agreed by the dancing couple are contracted quite consciously, but within a relationship that negotiation is often unconscious. As skills and desires change or grow, so the individuals might feel uncomfortable in their prescribed role – no matter how happy they might have been in that role previously. In the initial stages, one partner might have been happy to cede control, to allow themselves to be led and to enjoy the feeling of a protective and guiding presence. However, what once felt protective, might now feel smothering; what once felt guiding, might now feel controlling; where once we were happy to follow, now we want to lead. Understanding and making conscious these roles is important in avoiding resentment and anger.

When the dance gets difficult

When the dance flows, it feels effortless – but it can feel hectic. So much change, so much required – and on the hoof! It feels overwhelming at times – and may even make us think that giving up dancing altogether might be the answer. Perhaps we need a re-set – one where we would do well to remember that dance – like relationships generally – is one of the most natural, most primal of human activities. Our oldest human ancestors would have swayed in time to the beat of a drum – and they would have moved symbolically in likewise rhythm with family, friends and partners.

Learning to accommodate change – or doomed to repetition

The threat to us is not from the dance itself – after all, we well know how joyful and life enhancing it can be. The real threat is change. As the inner worlds of the protagonists seek to find meaning and expression, so the relationship plays out and the couple move around each other – closing and distancing, leading and following, taking and ceding – in a figurative dance within which both participants are testing and exploring their worlds. Change is likely – but it will not necessarily be synchronised. And neither will it necessarily be well communicated. Toes will be stepped on; profanities will be muttered. We may even believe that, with another partner, our dancing would be so much better. And so, we do that: we choose another partner. We begin another dance – closing and distancing, leading and following, taking and ceding – our inner selves being acted out repetitively until we learn to better understand ourselves and how we relate to the people around us – until we learn how to dance better!

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Kevin, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by Kevin Collins –

Name that Tune

I never thought my son would be addicted to pornography

July 26, 2021 by BHP Leave a Comment

Name That Tune

How can an old parlour game help us reflect on the way we communicate? Quite a lot it would seem.

Many of us will have played the game where we tap out the rhythm of a tune or song and ask our partner to guess the name of the piece. The challenge for the person doing the listening is that they have to use only limited information (the rhythm) to piece together something much more complicated in its whole. It is a different story for the person tapping out the rhythm. For them, the whole tune is in their head and it seems obvious that what they are hearing (in their head), is also what is being heard by the recipient.

In a study using the game to explore expectations in communication, over 90% of the people tapping the tune expected the recipient to guess correctly – some admitting to be dumbfounded that their recipients could not understand them. Sadly, this expectation was not matched by the results, where only 14% of recipients managed to guess the tune correctly. Imagine the frustration on both sides!

The fact that the large majority (over 9 in 10) of the tappers (as we will call them), felt they had supplied all the information required for their message to be understood, makes a useful reminder of the difference between the message we think we are communicating and the meaning that is created by the recipient. It is interesting that in the study of the exercise referred to above, the recipients did not just say they didn’t know the answer – over 8 in 10 of them named a tune they were sure was correct even though it was often some distance from the one in the head of the tapper. In other words, they created a meaning from the message which was quite different from the one being communicated by the tapper – which, of course, led to even more frustration: ‘How could you possibly misunderstand that? It’s so obvious!’ Worryingly, when it comes to communication, what seems just so obvious to us, can lead to confusion or misunderstanding for those on the receiving end.

The tapping game might also make us reflect on just how limited words can be when it comes to communicating the thoughts and feelings we carry. Like the complex melody, much of the nuance may be lost without access to the pitch, timbre and colours which make up the detail. As humans, we are meaning-seeking creatures. If there are gaps in our understanding, we will fill them in an effort to make sense. But in those fillers, we often go awry – gloriously so in many cases, which is why metaphor and symbolism can be such fun – but awry, nonetheless.

It takes a lot of work to be really understood and a great deal more to understand fully. But when we feel anger or frustration at others for not getting our message, or when we deal with similar feelings when our friends or partners never seem to appreciate our understanding, we would do well to remember that the gap between what is being communicated and what is being understood is considerably wider than what might at first appear.

To enquire about psychotherapy sessions with Kevin, please contact him here, or to view our full clinical team, please click here.

Further reading by Kevin Collins –

I never thought my son would be addicted to pornography