Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

Online Therapy
01273 921 355

by Leave a Comment

Popping a bluey – young men and Viagra

Following on from my earlier blog about the physiological effects of Viagra, in this blog I am going to discuss some of the psychological and social issues that make young men pop a blue pill.

There is common notion that young men are constantly getting erections and always up for having sex. Various sources indicate the reality is different. Peggy Orensteins’s recent book ‘Boys and Sex’ cites a General Social Survey study showing young men between 18 and 29 are having less sex. This is indicated by the increase in the number of men who declare themselves abstinent, which rose from 10% in 2008 to 28% in 2019.

Orensteins’s conversations with young men reveal the extent of their performance anxiety. They fear that girls would be more knowledgeable and experienced and in contrast they will be unsatisfactory sexual partners. They are anxious that any inadequacy, such as not being able to undo a bra strap or coming too quickly will be broadcast to their peer group on social media and result in humiliation. They are also concerned that girls will take it personally if they can’t get an erection. Young men seem to feel that they are responsible for the success of a sexual encounter.

At the same time online pornography has set up unrealistic expectations about opportunity, performance and satisfaction. The Reward Foundation is an educational charity that focuses on the internet, love, sex and relationships; they have found a correlation between erectile dysfunction in young men and an increase in access to internet porn. Whether or not young men actually believe that the sexual relationships and encounters they view on screen are ‘real’, these representations have an impact. As a young presenter on VICE online magazine said, “In my head I’m thinking that girls will be expecting me to fuck them like a porn star.”

First dates or sexual encounters can be extremely anxious events. Dating apps like Tinder and Grinder make it easy to move on to a new sexual partner if the sex does not meet expectations the first time. This may increase pressure on men to have a prolonged erection or several erections and Viagra can be an ‘insurance policy’ or a ‘booster shot’ to ensure a good performance the first time they have sex with a new partner. If the relationship continues they may continue to take Viagra to maintain their performance and hide the fact that they took it in the first place.

So what’s the problem with young men using Viagra to perform better? If young men believe that the standardised notion of good sex is a good performance as Orenstein’s study suggested, we can see that taking Viagra would be a way to avoid some of the stress about being a good performer. Unfortunately this can create a psychological dependency making it more and more difficult to stop taking Viagra and harder to open up the subject with a partner. Like any kind of emotional withholding keeping Viagra a secret is likely to be a negative factor in a sexual relationship.

Good sex can be whatever is good for each couple and is far more nuanced and complex than a good performance. In a relationship of mutual consent sex can bring physical and emotional intimacy but sex does not always go smoothly, misunderstandings and disappointments happen. Exploring sexual dissatisfaction and difficulties makes people feel extremely vulnerable. By using Viagra to focus on performance, young men are avoiding the opportunity to speak honestly about what they expect and want from sex as well as finding out what pleases their partners. Trusting each other and exploring differences and desires together can build a stronger relationship as well as a more satisfying sex life.

Angela Rogers is an Integrative Psychotherapeutic counsellor working with individuals and couples in Hove.

 

Further reading by Angela Rogers –

New Year’s Resolutions – Why change might be so difficult?

Viagra: Some ups and downs of the little blue pill

The Menopause – Women of a Certain Age

A couple state of mind

Men, Sex & Aging in Relationships

Facebooktwitter

by Leave a Comment

New Year’s Resolutions – why change might be so difficult

The start of a new year feels like a good time to make resolutions to change your life. Cut down on drinking, learn something new, be more efficient, be kinder, be more sociable or get fit.

Gym memberships regularly peak in January, increasing by 10%-20% but how many of those new memberships are used? According to research by Fridge Raiders, published in the Daily Mail in March 2019, 23% of Britons have gym memberships but only 12% use them often. They estimate that more than 4 billion pounds a year is wasted on unused gym memberships.

The reasons given for the 50 percent who did not attend regularly or at all, were to do with feeling self-conscious or intimidated, thinking that everyone was watching, finding repetitive activity boring and not knowing how to use the gym equipment. These could be valid reasons but Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey think it goes deeper. They ask why do we stick with the status quo when we are unhappy or unwell and know that change will make us feel better or even make us live longer? Kegan and Lahey have been researching the resistance to change for many years. In their book Immunity to Change (2009) they discovered that strongly held values, often unconscious, prevented both collective and individual change.

The most quoted finding from their studies comes from interviews with patients with heart disease who were told they must change their habits around eating, drinking, smoking and exercise and take their medication otherwise they would die. Kegan and Lahey found that only one in seven was able to make the necessary changes. Making further enquiries they discovered that although patients recognised the imperative of their doctor’s advice there were deep seated beliefs that contradicted their desire to get well.

A composite example would be a man who said that cutting down on food and drink and taking medication for ‘old people’ would make him feel he was old and weak. This challenged his idea of himself as a competent man in the midst of a productive life. Beneath this was his fear of becoming incapacitated and dying that brought back memories of his father’s illness and death. At a deep level the fears that prevented him taking care of himself were the very things that were likely to happen to him if did not change his habits.

There are many other examples in their book. Another composite example would be a manager who wanted to be more collaborative and involve his team in decision-making.  Until he participated in the research he did not realise how much his fear of being a weak leader prevented him from being open to the ideas of others. This feeling stemmed from the unspoken culture of ‘you must be strong otherwise you won’t survive’ in the family he grew up in and was an integral belief about himself. When he could recognise this belief and its negative impact he was able to ask for support to change and eventually become a better and happier leader.

Kegan and Lahey’s research helps us understand why it might be so hard to change our habits to improve our lives. They offer an alternative to castigating ourselves for our indiscipline and lack of commitment and, I think, suggest that we begin by being kind to ourselves and curious.

 

References – 

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6765171/Britons-spend-4-billion-year-unused-gym-memberships-new-survey-reveals.html

 

Angela Rogers is an Integrative Psychotherapeutic counsellor working with individuals and couples in Hove.

 

Further reading by Angela Rogers –

Viagra: Some ups and downs of the little blue pill

The Menopause – Women of a Certain Age

A couple state of mind

Men, Sex & Aging in Relationships

Facebooktwitter

by Leave a Comment

Viagra: Some ups and downs of the little blue pill

The arrival of Viagra (sildenafil citrate) came on the market in 1998 as the first drug to treat impotence. Impotence is the consistent inability among men to achieve and sustain an erection sufficient for sexual intercourse and/or to achieve ejaculation. Like the contraceptive pill in the 1960s it was greeted as a life changer giving men a chance to enjoy more and better sex when they wanted it. Of course it was never going to be that easy and the complications would take a while to emerge. In this blog I will share some thoughts on impotence and Viagra mainly in physiological terms; I will explore further psychological and relational aspects in later blogs.

There are other drugs for erectile dysfunction such as Cialis and Levitra as well as generic versions for example Kamagra. For simplicity I will use the term Viagra to refer to all the different versions.

Key findings from a 2018 survey of 2000 men, carried out by Atomik Research and sponsored by Co-Op Pharmacy, showed 43% of men between 18-60 were suffering from impotence and only 28% of those surveyed had discussed it with a GP. These are worrying figures and we can see why Viagra has been such a success story. Millions of men have taken Viagra apparently without any major incident or serious drawbacks. Although given the reluctance of men to talk to their GPs about sexual problems there may significant numbers who are suffering side effects that impair their sex lives.

Impotence is caused by reduced blood flow to the penis and Viagra works by increasing blood flow. A study of 23,000 men, cited by Pfizer the pharmaceutical company that manufactures Viagra in 2019, claims that 72% – 85% of men taking Viagra (the differences relate to the dosage 25 mg, 50mg and 100 mg) achieved erections hard enough for sex compared to 50% of those men on a placebo. This looks encouraging.

It can take around 15 minutes to one hour for Viagra to bring about an erection suitable for intercourse. On average these effects last 2-3 hours, may be up to 4-5 hours depending on your body’s metabolism. Viagra can help maintain an erection after ejaculation and can reduce the time it takes to achieve another erection following ejaculation. Some men say it can be more difficult to orgasm with Viagra, which may or may not be an advantage for their partners. Pfizer advise Viagra only works when you are sexually aroused, it does not make you feel aroused or cause instant hard-ons. In theory you will not be left with an unwanted erection if you are no longer horny.

A higher dose does not necessarily mean a better hard-on but it is likely to produce more side effects. These can include headaches, flushes, indigestion, abnormal vision, stuffy or runny nose, muscle pain, nausea and dizziness. There are also negative interactions with prescription drugs, over the counter medications and natural supplements. Viagra does not work well following a fatty meal or alcohol, which is tough for those who like to wine and dine as a prelude to sex.

There are men who do not have erectile problems who use Viagra to improve their sexual performance. However the recreational use of Viagra can be dangerous, especially if combined with other recreational drugs as in chem sex; this is an issue because chems can make it difficult to achieve and sustain an erection. Taking Viagra at the same time as recreational drugs such as chems, ecstasy, cocaine, crystal meth, poppers, and speed can produce a range of side effects including serious risks of a fatal drop in blood pressure and/or additional pressure on the heart. There are instances of men taking large doses of Viagra and enduring erections that last many hours. These are often painful and if not treated can damage the penis. In 2013 a Columbian man took a large dose and ended up with an inflamed and gangrenous penis that had to be amputated.

We have to recognise the benefits for men who can buy Viagra without a prescription, however apart from the recreational risks outlined above there are concerns about self-mediation and missing the signs of serious illness. High blood pressure and diabetes are two conditions that diminish the blood flow and therefore impotence can be a symptom. In the US diabetes is the most common cause of erectile dysfunction and impotence can be the first sign of heart disease especially in young men. If left unchecked these conditions can have long term and tragic results.

Viagra has undoubtedly helped many men and couples regain a sex life or find sex more satisfying, however this little blue pill is not always an effective treatment for erectile difficulties. Men who cannot tolerate side effects or for whom Viagra is not medically advised may want to explore other ways of enjoying sex if they are and their partners are able to talk about it. Viagra often reduces spontaneity and mean partners have to plan when to have sex, which again requires talking about it. Openly discussing the impact of impotence on a relationship is not easy; sometimes the conversation never happens. This is where counselling and psychotherapy can help by offering a safe space to have these conversations as individual or as a couple.

 

References-

https://www.atomikresearch.co.uk/case-studies-archive/co-op-pharmacy-erectile-dysfunction-pr-survey/

http://www.tradesexualhealth.com/sexual-health/sex-drugs/viagra.html

TRADE – Free, confidential health advice, information, services and support for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans communities of Leicester, Leicestershire and Rutland.

https://www.viagra.com/learning/is-it-right-for-me

Pfizer, 2019

https://www.usrf.org/index.shtml

Urological Science Research Foundation

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/man-s-penis-amputated-after-viagra-overdose-8835146.html

 

Angela Rogers is an Integrative Psychotherapeutic counsellor working with individuals and couples in Hove.

 

Further Reading by Angela Rogers –

The Menopause – Women of a Certain Age

A couple state of mind

Men, Sex & Aging in Relationships

The Contemporary Consulting Room

Facebooktwitter

by Leave a Comment

A few questions to ask if you are having relationship difficulties

When do you think these difficulties started?

It is important to recognise when things began to change. On the other hand you might realise that to some extent it has always been like this but it is only now that you recognise that.

Think back to the time when things began to change what else was happening around that time?

Life events make different demands on different people and individuals respond differently to the same events, often we don’t realise the impact this can have on how we feel as a couple. These events might include a new baby especially a first baby; changes at work, losing a job or being promoted; a house move to an unfamiliar area; children leaving home; serious illness, caring for elderly or sick relatives or the death of a parent.

How have these events changed how you and your partner spend time together and/or communicate with each other?

Most couples, consciously or not, have regular ways that they show their care for and communicate with each other. These may part of daily life, a cup of tea in bed in the morning, a lift to the station, a chat in the bathroom. These small rituals are important in keeping the relationship ‘oiled’ and for both partners to feel reassured and affirmed.

How did you meet and get together and what was it that first attracted you to each other?

Look back to what was happening for each of you when you met and think about your expectations of each other. You might have imagined each other would bring new opportunities or offer something that was missing in the other. Maybe one of you seemed warm, expressive and sociable when the other was feeling low or lonely or maybe one of you helped the other sort out practical problems or manage a difficulty at work; perhaps you saw each other as very funny, clever or sexy. One of you might have recently been left or left a relationship and have had high hopes that this one would be very different.

 

These questions begin to reveal the underlying hopes, dreams and expectations in a relationship. These may have been unrealistic at the start or they can become fixed and out of date. Thinking about disappointment is painful and it is easy to blame the other person for failing to live up to expectations or for changing, “You used to be thoughtful and sensitive!” “You used to care about me!” Life events make an impact and the picture keeps changing. Things that seemed important have drifted into the background, something new is brightly lit in the foreground and you can sense things emerging at the edges.

As a couple it is important to be responsive to life and what it brings for each of you, to give yourselves opportunities to reimagine what you want to create together as a couple.

 

Angela Rogers is an Integrative Psychotherapeutic counsellor working with individuals and couples in Hove.

 

Facebooktwitter

by Leave a Comment

The Contemporary Consulting Room

Following on from the post featuring Andrew Robinson’s photographs of the rooms at Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, I want to think about the objects in the room in which therapy takes place.

“Both room and house are psychological diagrams that guide writers and poets in their analysis of intimacy.” (Bachelard, 1958/1994:38). This implies we have a tacit (a felt but not easy to express in words) understanding of the psychology of physical space. I suggest that the surroundings in which therapy happens are part of the therapy.

In contemporary psychotherapy there is a concern about the blurring of the boundary between the personal and professional. In the psychodynamic model if the therapist’s life comes too much into focus the client’s therapeutic potential can be compromised. It is a commonly held belief that therapy should ideally happen in a neutrally private room. However we would want to avoid any resemblance to anything cold, clinical or cell like. Freud is well known for his iconic rug covered couch and his large collection of figures that stood like a group of silent watchers in his consulting room.

A positive approach to the objects and disclosure can provide opportunities for working things through. Let’s think about books on display in the consulting room. A collection of psychotherapy books could be reassuring, showing that the therapist is well informed and takes their professional development seriously. If a client shows an interest in a particular book it can open up an area for exploration.

The impact of objects in the room can become important when a counsellor moves or there is a change in the room. Lapworth describes how when he introduced a sculpture into his consulting room, a client re-saw the room and noticed the books that had been in the room all along. When her attention was drawn to the books by the arrival of a new object, they resonated with her father and she talked about him for the first time (Lapworth, 2012:8).

Field notes the need for counsellors to take transitional objects with them, for example a rug on the floor. When she moved her consulting room a client was relieved to see the rug reappear in the new room. “We came to understand that it was symbolic of my perception of him: that I accepted him as he was; in his words ‘scruffy, imperfect, colourful and well travelled!’ ” (Field, 2007:174).

Therapists can use objects and images to support themselves in their work. A small sculpture or photograph with personal associations or special memories can help a therapist keep an open mind and feel connected with their own resources. Clients can sooth themselves through difficult times by finding reassurance when looking at familiar elements in the room.

 

Angela Rogers is an Integrative Psychotherapeutic counsellor working with individuals and couples in Hove.

References

Bachelard, G. (1958/1994) The Poetics of Space.

Field, R. (2007) Working from home in independent practice.

Lapworth, P. (2011) Tales from the Therapy Room.

 

Facebooktwitter

Copyright © 2020 – Brighton And Hove Psychotherapy – Privacy Policy
6 The Drive, Hove , East Sussex, BN3 3JA.